I was so wrong.
I had always been involved in the lives of foster kids as a sister, respite provider/babysitter, and volunteer. Becoming a mother to these children is a completely different experience, one that came with many surprises and hard lessons learned. Here are three challenges that were surprisingly hard for me.
3. Feeling judged all the time...by everyone.
If I have a foster kiddo that has darker skin, I'm barraged with questions in public about his or her background. I really don't feel like my foster kid's life story is something that should be shared with the person behind me at Target, so I generally try to weasel out of those conversations. I may seem rude but honestly...my kids' feelings come first.
We also use the WIC program that provides some formula and baby food for our infants. Every time I use a WIC check at the grocery store my blood pressure goes up and I pray that no one will comment. I once had someone say that it was "interesting" I was on the WIC program yet purchased a bottle of wine in my next transaction. I've heard horrible stories from foster parents who were brought to tears because of hurtful comments about their use of WIC or their foster kids' behavior.
Then there are the zillions of people who are part of the child's "team" within the state. These people I do care about! Beyond the social worker, there's a court appointed guardian ad litem, therapy teams, doctors, nutritionists, staff at the therapeutic daycare...the list goes on. At least it motivates me to keep my house clean because people are coming in and out so much.
2. Damage control
As a foster parent I spend a lot of time cleaning up after messy situations my kids are exposed to. Many times, kids have incredibly strong emotional reactions to seeing their biological parents. One of our foster daughters needed hours of consolation after seeing her parent. We could see her little heart was hurting, and the fact we couldn't do anything to help was a terrible feeling. I've also dealt with situations where babies are given inappropriate food on visits that upsets their tummies...and I am quite literally cleaning up that mess the next morning. It's a party.
Beyond visits, even our young foster babies and toddlers come with challenges that were surprising. The effects of early neglect are severe, and affect everything from ability to eat and sleep to the ability to properly attach. While I witnessed these struggles as a foster sister, becoming a mother to these sweet littles is a completely different experience, one that often leaves me teary and feeling helpless to ease their pain.
1. Taking care of my foster babies as my own, yet being completely powerless when it comes to their lives.
This is BY FAR the hardest struggle I have on a daily basis.
As a foster mama, I am up (every 3 hours most nights) with a crying baby. I change all the diapers and handle several wardrobe changes every day. I take him to doctor appointments and attend meetings regarding his case on a weekly basis. Yet, when it comes to the stuff that really affects his life, I have no say.
I should say that I understand why my opinion wouldn't have as much weight as their parents (for legal reasons) and therapists/service providers (I don't have their training). Being able to understand why this is the case does not make it any easier, though.
My concerns about decisions in my foster kids' cases are completely dismissed. It's really amazing to me that despite being a child's sole caretaker 100% of the time, my opinion matters 0% of the time. This is what really breaks my heart...seeing my babies put into situations I know are bad for them. I just wish my "mom sense" about certain things was at least considered.
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Despite these frustrations, the joys of caring for these kids makes it worth it. I'm not going to stop fostering because of MY feelings of helplessness. It's not their fault that they are in this situation, and I fully intend on continuing this journey, even when it's hard.
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