Dear J Bug: A Letter to my Former Foster Daughter

Dear J Bug,

Yesterday I was going through some clothes in the closet and found something that used to be yours.

Remember these jammies? I put you in them your first night here, and you crawled into my lap to watch Dora. You were so scared and were missing your mama dearly. You held onto me as if you felt some force was trying to pull you away.

Do you remember the next day, when you pulled those jammies out of your laundry hamper and tried to put them on? I knew you just wanted more snuggles so I pulled you onto my lap. I will never forget how you held my finger in one hand and played with my hair with the other.

We took you to the park later that day. Remember how much you loved the slide? Your foster daddy and I were so terrified you would fall because you were only a year and a half, but you were quite the independent little lady. You ran through the park giggling and jumping, picking up playground bark and handing it to us. What a thoughtful girl you are.

I remember the hard times too, sweet J Bug...how you laid awake in your crib until midnight because you were used to being up most of the night. The only sound you made was to whimper every 20 minutes or so. You needed me to come in, rub your back, and tell you we were still here to take care of you. I remember you sobbed during your first bath and flinched when your foster daddy moved too quickly. What had you been through little one?

Even though you were scared at first, you began to blossom after being with us just a few days. We played ball, colored, and took the doggie on walks. You began to offer crayons and toys to your foster daddy, and actually crawled up into his lap your fourth evening here. That made him so happy, J Bug, to know that you were learning to trust at least one man in your life.

The thing I remember the most is when you called me "mama" after being with us for a week. You said it meekly, waiting to see how I would respond, if it was okay. You brought tears to my eyes that day. I knew that you truly felt at home here. You knew you were safe.

I know the day you left was so confusing. We had to go to the DSHS office, a big scary building in the city. Your social worker was a man you had never met before. I tried to tell you he was going to take you to your grandma, a woman who loves you dearly, but it was too hard for you to understand.

You looked up at me, clutching my finger in your tiny hand, and inquired, "Mama?" My sweet girl, I am so sorry I could not take you to grandma's myself, but I was not able to. Leaving you crying with a stranger was so hard, and I shed many tears for you later that day.

You were so strong. I called your social worker later because I could not stop thinking of you. He said you did wonderfully and were so excited when they brought you to your grandma's. I was beyond relieved, but I knew your journey was just beginning.

I think of you often, and finding your fleece footie jammies yesterday brought memories of you flooding back to me. I was so blessed to be your mama for a short time earlier this year.

I know you will not remember me, precious girl, but I will always remember you.

All my love,
Your foster mama Katie