"Too" Attached: The Uncertainty of Foster Care

Tomorrow morning, there is a court date for our foster daughter's case that will likely set a plan in motion - a series of events that will determine the trajectory of a child's life. I knew I was signing up for heartbreak when I became a foster parent, but I'm still somehow surprised how deeply I am troubled by my foster daughter's uncertain future. I can't sleep, thinking about the "what if?" questions, and there is a deep sadness in my heart knowing there is nothing I can really do to protect my baby.

This is the point where many people will say, "That's why I can't do foster care. I'd get too attached and it would hurt too much when they leave. I could never do it."

Because I'm emotionally spent and frustrated with the system, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Do you think it doesn't hurt me to think the baby I've cared for as my own may leave to go to an unsafe place? Don't you think my heart aches at the thought of having a quiet house devoid of baby chatter and PBS Kids?

The reality is, my chest literally hurts when I think about our foster daughter leaving our home. The current center of our world may cease exist to us. If what I've fought against is ordered by the judge, I do not believe she will continue to be the happy, well-adjusted baby she has become in our home.

Every giggle and wave makes me smile, but for the last few days, they have also been sobering reminders of what we could be losing. 

Guess what? I'm attached. Some may say "too" attached. Is this a bad thing, though? Doesn't baby K deserve to have someone fight for her best interests, no matter the outcome? Isn't she worth my prayers and tears? Every child deserves to have someone grieve for them when they are lost. 

No matter the outcome, I'm so lucky to have the opportunity to love on this baby! When I snuggle her to sleep tonight, I'll be thinking about what a joy and a blessing she's been and trying not to think about things that are out of my control. I'm just going to keep praying for the best and kissing those sweet cheeks.