The last month and a half have been full of changes. We said goodbye to our first long-term placement, I graduated law school and started studying for the bar, and we've had three more foster daughters in the last month.
Since the end of April when baby K left, I've been struggling to get back to what feels "normal." At first, all I wanted was a baby again...any baby really. Being a mommy for four months then suddenly not being one anymore was weird, and I hated it. I didn't feel needed.
A couple of weeks after the goodbye, we took two little girls on a short-term basis because there was not a single home for them. When they arrived, having kids laughing in my house again filled me up with so much joy. The next day though, it didn't feel as "right" as the night before. I still didn't feel "normal" which surprised me.
Our two littles only stayed a couple of nights, then it was graduation and off to Cancun to celebrate with Brian. The day after we got back, I went to a board meeting at the Safe Place building and came home with a toddler. Oops.
I was so excited to be a mommy again. At the time J bug was placed with us, I thought this would be a longer-term placement. Vacation was very healing for me, and I was finally able to look back on my time with baby K with fondness instead of sadness. The weirdest thing happened though. As I fell back into my mama routine, I still didn't feel "normal." I was so happy to have a toddler snuggled on my lap watching Dora, but I couldn't figure out if this was how I was supposed to feel...it's hard to explain. I was desperately seeking, searching for something, but I did not know what.
J bug went to live with a relative after week. I was full of competing emotions...relief that I could go back to worrying about just myself and bar prep, happiness for J bug that she would be reunited with family, yet sad to think I would again be childless.
I've been thinking about the idea of normalcy a lot lately, and I've come to the conclusion that maybe it just doesn't apply to me in the way I thought it should. Maybe in my life, the constant change that comes with foster parenting IS my "normal." Maybe I need to learn that on this path I've been called to, being a mom is normal, but not being a mommy is too.
I think that normalcy for me includes constant change. Just ask my mom and dad, long-time foster parents. Normal is a day when your foster daughter brings home an award from school. Normal is also a day when you have to call the local police on the same kid :)
I'm beginning to realize that every day holds many blessings to embrace and thank God for. If we don't have any foster kids, I will study extra for the bar or go on a date with Brian since childcare isn't an issue. If I am a temporary mommy, I'll embrace the snuggles, sweet smiles, and even the cheerios all over the floor.
Maybe my "new normal" is a lack of it...but you know what? I think I'm okay with that :)
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